Thursday, February 14, 2008

How can I be grouchy with this guy?

Happy Valentine's Day, lovebugs! Anybody have plans? I'm planning a big sexy trip to Trader Joe's followed by approximately four hours of laundry. Oh yeah, I knows how to do it up right!

After weeks of dark cloudiness, things finally seem a bit brighter. Could be that the sun is shining for the first time in days or that Will broke into a huge grin when he saw me this morning or it could be the fact that he slept in his car seat for TWO WHOLE HOURS last night. (Thanks to the wisdom of Good Woman Hatchet.) Two hours may not sound like much but compared to 45 minutes it was Manna. He still won't nap independently (if at all) and he has to fall deeply asleep in our arms before we can make the transfer to the car seat but he actually slept. Which means I actually slept. And that, my friends, is what we call progress.

You know, I think that one of the hardest things to come to terms with as a parent is learning to love the child you have versus the child you thought you were going to have. Maybe because the boy I nannied for was such an angel as a baby (napping every 2-3 hours, never crying. Granted he was 7 months old when I started) but I totally expected my child to follow suit. Will is funny and loving (like his pop) and very, very sensitive (like, ahem). He is not, however, a breeze. It's embarrassing to admit that you don't have the child you expected... and that you are not the parent you thought you would be. When I was pregnant I swore I would never become one of those mothers. You know, the ones who always look like they just got done changing the cat litter. Sloppy, anxious, smelling vaguely of vomit and desperation... I promised myself that I wouldn't succumb to the awfulness. I would put my contacts in every day! I would socialize! I would wear makeup, goddammit!

As I sit here, kid attached to my teat (I know I shouldn't nurse him to sleep but he won't nod off and I'm desperate), hair in the same bedraggled ponytail I've worn for months now, I understand how women lose it. Hell, my OB practically threw a prescription for Zoloft at me at my postpartum checkup yesterday. I remember when I was trying to get pregnant I'd listen to women bitch about their babies and I'd want to kill them. I was so desperate to get pregnant, I wanted a child so much, I was sure I'd love every single awful moment of it. And yet I don't. And the guilt? Oh man, the guilt...

Somehow I doubt that Britney grapples with these dilemmas.


Missy said...

Glad to hear that things are looking up. And can I just say that boy is so cute I want to eat him up with a spoon???!!

I think all of us have eaten our words when it comes to parenthood. Oh the things I wasn't going to do. My most ridiculous notion? Never raise my voice to my child unless they were in immediate danger. HA! That promise went out the window about three days in to toddlerhood, and honestly there were a few times when the grouchy voice came out when they were babies and not sleeping or napping or seeming to be happy with anything. I agree that it is hard to come to terms with the child you have as opposed to the one you thought you would get. I still struggle with that at times with my kids.
I say if nursing gets the child to sleep then nurse away. I nursed my kids to sleep all the time when they were that tiny and eventually when they and I were ready we worked on going to sleep on their own, but nursing remained part of the bed time routine until they were weaned. For one child it was three months, the other it was 7 months. At this point the important thing is both of you getting some sleep, not how you get there.

Woman with a Hatchet said...


I was worried I freaked you out with The World's Longest Email. Yay! Two hours!

BTW, I nurse the twins to sleep. No shame there. I'll worry about sleep training w/o nursing later, probably around 7-8 months. Don't worry about it now. Knock him out with The Boob. It's your best weapon - use it.

Will is terribly, terribly cute! Mmwah!

I'm very glad I was able to help, even if just a little. Hooray for sleep!

Valerie said...

The boys boobed, bottled or pa'ered their way to sleep for three years. And they're fine!

Though I'm not sure why they are up right now at 10:12 pm and not sleeping like angels in their new big boy beds....