On Wednesday they checked me for dilation.
Um, why didn't anybody warn me about this?
I don't know what I was expecting exactly - I just figured dilation was something that the doctor could eyeball. Surprisingly, not so much. I was a little nervous and it only got worse when my sweet little gay gyno started talking to me in his Doctor Voice.
"Just so you're aware, the procedure is... uncomfortable."
"Actually, it can be pretty painful."
In my experience whenever a doctor uses the word "procedure" to describe something, it's safe to say that it's gonna suck. This is not what I want to hear when I'm sitting there, my bits draped with a tiny pink towel. It is especially not what I want to hear when followed by "Now pull your ankles up to your butt". It's all just a little too prison movie, if you ask me. He told me that the discomfort happens when he checks my cervix. The pain comes into play if the baby's head is in the way, which it often is. In which case he has to go around the head.
If you think I didn't have a quick chat with the kid about that, you don't know me at all.
The doctor swore he was fast and bless him, he was. Possum was also very cooperative and for that I am grateful.
You know when you have a really bad knot in your back and somebody offers to massage it for you but instead of doing a nice, gentle rub they take their thumbs and push on the muscle really, really, really hard? And how all you can do is thrash around in an attempt to beat the everloving shit out of the asshole who keeps digging his fingers into the pressure point and repeating that you just need to relax, man? Yeah, it feels a lot like that, only inside your twat. People keep asking me if I was effaced and frankly, as loud as I screamed, I don't think the doc even bothered to check. I mean, the man did not linger. I can't imagine what Miss Moo went through, trying to get her babies to turn. (I hear they get their whole hands up there! THEIR WHOLE HANDS!)
So yeah, can't wait to go through that every week. I'm seriously thinking of buying our neighbors a box of earplugs and some miniature bottle of JD come Dec. 12th. I suspect they're gonna get an earful.