WILL'S RULES FOR PROPER NAPPING

- The room must be completely dark. If there is a speck of light anywhere, I will stare at it and stare at it and stare at it and refuse to close my eyes and I will not sleep.

- The room must be completely dark and the white noise machine must be on or I will not sleep.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on and I must be held in some way, preferably in the Baby Bjorn. However I cannot be held too close to the boobs, otherwise all I want is milk and I will rub my head back and forth and chicken peck and cry until you give it to me. And then I will fall asleep, but only for five minutes. And then I will wake up and will not go to sleep.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on, I must be held in some way, and I must be bounced vigorously or I will not go to sleep.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on, I must be held in some way, and I must be bounced vigorously, but my feet cannot touch anything - not the ball or your lap - or I will not go to sleep. I don't care if this is difficult.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on, I must be held in some way, I must be bounced vigorously but my feet cannot touch anything, and you must pat my back rhythmically like a heart beat. If you get distracted and get off beat, I will not go to sleep.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on, I must be held in some way, and I must be bounced vigorously but my feet cannot touch anything, you must pat my back rhythmically like a heart beat, and you must make loud shuuuushing noises in my ear in time to the rhythmic back patting. If you stop or get off beat, I will not go to sleep.

- The room must be completely dark, the white noise machine must be on, I must be held in some way, and I must be bounced vigorously but my feet cannot touch anything, you must pat my back rhythmically like a heart beat, you must make loud shuuuushing noises in my ear in time to the rhythmic back patting, and you must not think of doing anything else for the time that I am asleep. Or I will not sleep.

If you follow this routine I might sleep for an hour. If not, I will only sleep for 20 minutes and once I'm awake, no amount of darkness or white noise or bouncing or back patting or shuuuushing will get me back to sleep. Got it? All right then. Back to the bouncing, woman!