I'm very curious about what 2009 will bring. 2007 was such a dramatic year - got pregnant, got the book deal, had the big health scare, had the baby... 2008? Almost a total blur.
I'm not being disingenuous when I say that I don't remember the first half of my son's life. It breaks my heart but what can I say? The brain pan is wiped clean. I have bold, Mondrian-like splashes of memory - bouncing endlessly on an inflatable yoga ball while holding a hair dryer to simulate white noise and shushing like my life depended on it as the boy screamed for hoooooours. Sleeping in 40 minute shifts for months on end. Holding the baby in our laps while eating dinner with one hand, brushing crumbs off his head, knowing that the minute we'd set him down he'd wake up. But the good stuff - the feel of him curled on my chest, his coos, the first time he smiled - I got nothin'. Matt put on the music we used to play when we were trying to get him to sleep and I had to shut it off because I started having a panic attack.
Thank god things have changed.
People often ask me if I want more children and I don't know what to say. "Maybe?" "Theoretically?" It's probably for the best that I'm unsure. I'm no spring chicken and getting pregnant the first time was no mean feat. But even if I was 25 with rip-roaring ovaries I might stop. Our family is awfully cozy. Three is my favorite number. I feel lucky enough to have the one. But I can't help craving the experience I didn't have. I suppose every mother goes through that. You wish your pregnancy had been different or that you'd gone natural or breastfed longer or, or, or. (By the way, that family with the 18 kids - how does that happen? How do you have time for sex with 18 kids? We barely have time and we only have the one.)
Where was I going with this?
2009. Seems promising. I haven't actually embarked on any of my resolutions but my dad's in town and it's a weekend so hey, cut me some slack, man. (So what if I'm eating a ball of raw cookie dough? Weight Watchers doesn't start until next weekend.)