Sunday, January 4, 2009

I've had a glass of wine.

I'm very curious about what 2009 will bring. 2007 was such a dramatic year - got pregnant, got the book deal, had the big health scare, had the baby... 2008? Almost a total blur.

I'm not being disingenuous when I say that I don't remember the first half of my son's life. It breaks my heart but what can I say? The brain pan is wiped clean. I have bold, Mondrian-like splashes of memory - bouncing endlessly on an inflatable yoga ball while holding a hair dryer to simulate white noise and shushing like my life depended on it as the boy screamed for hoooooours. Sleeping in 40 minute shifts for months on end. Holding the baby in our laps while eating dinner with one hand, brushing crumbs off his head, knowing that the minute we'd set him down he'd wake up. But the good stuff - the feel of him curled on my chest, his coos, the first time he smiled - I got nothin'. Matt put on the music we used to play when we were trying to get him to sleep and I had to shut it off because I started having a panic attack.

Thank god things have changed.

People often ask me if I want more children and I don't know what to say. "Maybe?" "Theoretically?" It's probably for the best that I'm unsure. I'm no spring chicken and getting pregnant the first time was no mean feat. But even if I was 25 with rip-roaring ovaries I might stop. Our family is awfully cozy. Three is my favorite number. I feel lucky enough to have the one. But I can't help craving the experience I didn't have. I suppose every mother goes through that. You wish your pregnancy had been different or that you'd gone natural or breastfed longer or, or, or. (By the way, that family with the 18 kids - how does that happen? How do you have time for sex with 18 kids? We barely have time and we only have the one.)

Where was I going with this?

2009. Seems promising. I haven't actually embarked on any of my resolutions but my dad's in town and it's a weekend so hey, cut me some slack, man. (So what if I'm eating a ball of raw cookie dough? Weight Watchers doesn't start until next weekend.)


elisava said...

i'm so glad it isn't just me that can't remember the baby's first year. i thought it was the booze and anti-depressants, but maybe that's normal? that is just so life changing and, yes, tramatic, that the brain fuzzes it out?
perhaps that's why the older, wiser mothers are always pushing writing "firsts" in that baby book.

Ali said...

Thank god it's not just me who can't remember! And thank god for booze. (I never went on full-blown meds although I certainly should have. Good on you for taking care of yourself.)

filthEdesign said...

book deal??? i didn't know you had a book deal! first off - congratulations! second - can you reference a post with more info? or just give me some details :) very exciting!!!

my son is nearly 13 and it's hard to believe he was ever teeny and cuddly :) best i can say is use your blog to document everything whether you think it's important or not...i didn't start using the internet till john was at least 4...if not older. and i have some great stuff after that, there's so much i missed documenting and so much i can't remember. as for firsts, i have a rough idea :) and i figure, i'm the mom, whatever i say is truth! :)

Ali said...

Alas, it was not MY book deal - my husband is the true talent. He got the book deal (and the health scare), I got the belly and the babe. But his book deal is pretty awesome. POWERLESS, published by Knopf this fall!

Woman with a Hatchet said...

That's why the blog is gooood. I don't HAVE to remember! I wrote it all!

Don't ask about Caitlin's first year, tho. It was "before the blog", so I only remember what was in her baby book.

As for the 18 kid people - they aren't raising their children. Their CHILDREN are raising their children, thus more time for procreatin'. I think it's pretty awful. I hate how they're televising that whole thing. Um, what part of making a spectacle of your 18 children on national television coincides with your idea of doing it for God? Now you just look like you're in it for the money. Money which you desperately need to house, clothe and FEED your 18 children because ain't NOBODY in Arkansas has that kind of money.

Not that I feel strongly about them or anything....

Bern said...

I wasn't anywhere near ready for number two until the first was two. That was when she was consistently and reliably sleeping through the night, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel of my "baby blues". Number two was easy-going (and still is). And I was more relaxed about the whole sleeping thing. It also helped that I didn't have a c-section with #2.

Those people with 18 kids need to stop. I'm not judging or anything, but I don't understand how her body has enough resources to build that many healthy babies.

Colleen said...

It's good that you blocked the bad things about his first year--and the good things will come back to you gradually. And your blog is wonderful--you have the most remarkable record of what you were thinking and feeling throughout that whole time. I think he will be fascinated by it when he is older (and you should definitely use it when you need to lay a big old guilt trip on him!). Just kidding. Maybe.