Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Maybe it was the hat...
Have I mentioned how much I hate taking the kid along to auditions? Aside from the crowded offices, the "will he/won't he" meltdown anxiety, and the saccharine charms of professional children, you've actually got to get the kid there. Gas prices and traffic may be upsetting but I challenge anyone to emerge from a rush hour subway ride - with an infant and 20 lb. stroller - unscathed.
It started out so well. As I was preparing to hump the stroller down the subway stairs, a smiling middle aged man offered to help. As we made our way up the steps he smiled at the babe, telling him how cute he was, how he loved his smile. And then -
"You want to come to my house, don't you? You want to come home with me? You can come to my house -"
Imagine this said in a squeaky little girl voice and you will understand the creep factor. I practically ripped the cart out of Freaktone's hands trying to get the boy away. The guy quickly mentioned that he had a daughter, calming me a bit, but a word of advice: Middle aged men who coo creepy nothings? Mention your kid before launching the Gacy voice. I was about 10 seconds away from pulling out the keys. (Always go for the eyes.)
Unfortunately I hadn't escaped the weird. As we were sitting on the train, a young, artistic-type (piercings, Docs, heroin teeth) wandered towards us.
"What's he going to be?" he asked, tapping the stroller.
"Whatever he wants to be."
It was clear that this was not the answer the wannabe Basquait was hoping for. He stood there grinning uncomfortably, waiting for me to continue.
"What do you think he should be?" I asked, playing along.
"An artist. If you want better art, create a better world," he said, smiling broadly.
Rule #1: Careless use of religious epithets may inflame the crazy.
"Babies are born knowing Jesus' name," he said, sensing a fellow believer. "Hellfire and damnation reign when sinners unite."
Luckily we only had to go 3 stops so it was a quick escape. I pity the poor fools headed to Brooklyn.
Alas, I don't think I'll be "carrying on" with Tim Gunn. I was paired with a comedic genius and swallowed whole. Ah well. At least I got a story out of it.