Monday, October 20, 2008

Electriclady, the TONY Kids subscription is yours!

It's like a giant, fuzzy erection on his head.

I had so many things I wanted to talk about - bedtime routines, sippy cup wars, 10-month-olds with excessive button pushing abilities - but then I stumbled upon "The Pick-Up Artist" on VH-1 and it's game over, folks. HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS? I, who am on a first-name basis with every washed up rocker, wanna be model, and former child star this side of Chateau Marmont, have somehow missed out on the worst of the worst: "Mystery", a Criss Angel-ish mindfreak with a penchant for chin piercings and pimp hats. O to the M to the G, people. I will never get anything done.

I've turned off the TV. I was starting to talk back to it and that's never a good sign.

Speaking of pushing my buttons, is anyone else's kid driving them to drink? I love my boy more than life but I will sell him to the gypsies if he doesn't stop taking off his socks. The kid haaaaates having anything on his feet. Around the house that's fine - it gives him more traction for crawling, lets me know where I need to sweep (if he spends more than 2 minutes examining the floor, it's time to break out the broom) - but now that we're into overcoat weather, footwear needs to stay ON. Unfortunately someone's cankle situation makes wearing shoes almost impossible, making socks easily accessible and very, very tempting. It's like a ballet, our outings these days. He grabs a sock, starts to pull. I warn him not to pull, he pulls some more. I stop the stroller, put the sock back on, continue walking. He grabs a sock, starts to pull. I stop the stroller, put the sock back on. He grabs a sock, starts to pull. I ignore pulling, continue walking. He grabs other sock, starts to pull. I grit teeth, continue walking. He drops sock on NYC sidewalk, puts other sock in mouth. I grab dirty sidewalk sock, put back on foot. Remove clean sock from mouth, put back on other foot. He grabs dirty sidewalk sock, puts in mouth. I yank sock from mouth, shove back on foot. He grabs other sock, drops on sidewalk. I grab both socks, throw them in back of stroller, and announce that he will now have cold feet. Ignore "bad mother" stares from passers-by. Lather, rinse, repeat with bibs, diapers, washcloths, hats, spoons, and sippy cups.

We're full-on into the "You're Not The Boss of Me's" and I'm DONE, peeps. I thought that shit didn't start until the Twos. 12 hours of back labor! 45 minutes of reconstructive surgery! I'M THE BOSS! (Stop trying to flip over on the changing table and listen to me for a minute, dammit!)

Uh-oh, we have crying...

I'm back. Poor kid, his body is doing a number on him. Not only does he have 5 new teeth coming in but, having just mastered crawling, his body is now pushing him to stand. Which means we've gone from up-on-all-fours-in-his-sleep to up-on-his-knees-clutching-the-crib-for-dear-life-in-his-sleep, which means no sleep. Dude, I am done with no sleep. And to all those strangers who natter on about how one day he'll be a teenager and sleep for days - BRING IT. Ba-RING it. Mama needs a nap.

I was planning on launching a commiserate-a-thon about how he was refusing to be rocked - straightening his arms and legs against me like a cat avoiding the vet - but today I stumbled upon a sure-fire sleep inducer: "The Wheels On The Bus". By the time I got to the parents on the bus, Baby Boy was making snoozy noises against my chest. The drawback? The song will never leave your brain.

The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round
'Round and 'round
'Round and 'round...

At least I've stopped thinking about the TV.


EBPitcher said...

Well - here in sunny south Texas, I can only dream of requiring footwear for my child! However, a friend who had the same issue suggested Robeez (there are other brands similar) which might be difficult to get on, but that makes it a challenge for the chid to get them off. They are little soft soled leather moccasin-type shoes with elastic ankle closures.

My instant quieter - Old MacDonald!

Ali said...

OOH! Old MacDonald! The kid goes through songs like diapers so I'll be needing a new one soon and my repertoire is tapped. Good one!

I have a pair of Robeez that work pretty well, but he's already figured out that if he drags his heels against the edge of the stroller seat, he can pry them off.

Good to see your pic, BTW!

Margot said...

Couple suggestions. If it's really cold, nobody says the boy can't wear footed pajamas in public. Know what I mean? Those footies don't come off!

Also, the Robeez are a good idea. My boy has the cankle thing happening, which means the elastic is a little to tight. I cut it off and ran a shoelace through the channel for the elastic so I can make them as tight/loose as I want to. And momma gets to double-knot the bow so they don't come off!

Ali said...

Okay Margot, you are a GENIUS. I would never have thought of the shoelace thing and let me tell you, elastic is my achilles cankle, as it were. It always seems to cut of the kid's circulation. I'm totally doing that, as soon as I find a place that sells shoelaces... (Payless?)

julie said...

hahahaha. I know. I DREAM of the days when Alex will sleep until noon. They cannot get here fast enough in my opinion. Though I have a sneaky suspicion that by that time, my body will be fully trained to wake between 5:30 and 6 AM. I always wondered why my parents were such freaks to get up so early. Now I know it was really all my fault.....

Ali said...

I just fear that my kid will take after his grandpa and never sleep past 6 am... Does that stuff skip generations, like red hair and baldness?

julie said...

I think, since both of us have boys, we do not need to worry about whether they are up early or not as teenagers. Put a good, sturdy lock on their bedroom doors, and I'm pretty certain how they will spend their morning alone-time between the ages of about 12 and 18.