Friday, September 21, 2007

Send in the clowns

Well, it's official: I have entered the Circus Tent portion of pregnancy. Hand me a tiny bicycle and call it a day because I can't find a single article of clothing that doesn't make me look like a freak show. Lest you think I exaggerate, the first thing out of Matt's niece's mouth when she saw me -


Only three weeks have passed since I saw her last and enough has changed to warrant a wow. And a loud one, too. I've also begun to waddle. Sexy, that.

On the baby front, things are good. He seems to spend a lot of time making himself comfortable. Imagine an eel swimming under the surface of of a pond and you'll get what my stomach looks like when this kid is going to town. The only thing that seems to calm the little bugger is when Matt rests his hand on my belly which I find exceptionally irritating. (Not the hand; the fact that it always works.) Don't get me wrong - glad daddy can work magic - but my hand? DRIVES THE KID BANANAS. Shouldn't my touch - mama's touch - be the soothing one? Matt tries to be all nice about it, saying that the baby just gets excited when he recognizes me, but we all know that's a load of bunk. Man...

The prenatal classes continue to terrify. Seriously, what is up with the videos? This week we had to watch thirty different women having contractions, one right after the other. I think the point was supposed to be that women handle contractions in a myriad of ways but all I saw was thirty different women freaking the fuck out. Matt had to go play Writer that night so I enlisted (suckered, whatever) Amanda to be my NPP ("non-pregnant partner") for the evening. Thank god, because between the videos (more than one! More than one!) and the dubious "pain management" techniques ("Lean against a wall"), I needed a serious dose of comedy. Granted I did learn some things that might help, at least in the initial stages, but when the instructor got the the part where we're supposed to wait until an hour into active labor (the OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD pain) before heading to the hospital, I was gone. An hour? Woman, please. They'll be lucky if I don't start camping out a week before my due date. She also instructed us to be very, very nice to the nursing staff, to which Amanda tossed me a rather deliberate look. I think it's safe to say that I'll be a touch irritable that night. The word "menace" has been tossed around. (Amanda has threatened to make me a T-shirt that says "I'm normally very nice.") The fact that I practically throttled my husband tonight because he didn't order what I wanted him to order for dinner makes me think that I'm going to be in a world of hurt if I don't figure out a more effective way of communicating. Perhaps that T-shirt isn't such a bad idea...


Missy said...

At some point you will be mean and for the love of Pete I promise you it is ok. You can always apologize after the fact. OB nurses know the deal. I was mean at points. I think I practically tore the head off of the anesthstesiologist(sp!?) when I had #2. And #1.....Ohhh my. Too long to go in to here. The nurses were still very nice to me afterward and very accepting of my apologies. If it were me I would be taking some serious bathroom breaks during those videos. That is excessive. Geez, I think I saw maybe two videos during my prenatal classes. Both disturbing mind you, I don't think there is a way to nice it up. Remember that what they tell you is not necessarily Gospel either. Talk with your doctor about when they want you to go to the hospital. I never waited that long to go.

ktbuffy said...

You should totally get the shirt.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

I wouldn't worry too much about "being nice". Those floor nurses have seen it all. Be as nice as you can, but don't feel guilty about behavior that you can't predict while you're in the most pain of your entire life. I mean, think about it: would you be surprised by poor behavior out of your best friend if you knew they were in mind-bending pain?

Didn't think so!

Don't take on any guilt about the birth process. It's tough enough being a parent without taking on guilt for not living up to unrealistic standards.

And I still say asking for painkillers is totally OK. Hell, I'll be having your share in 4.5 days!

Not that I'm counting or anything!

Valerie said...

Send in the belly shots!