Thursday, June 14, 2007

Fatty boobalatty

It’s week 14. (Am I allowed to call it 4 1/2 months yet? It seems so much cooler than 14 weeks.) I’m down to one pair of regular pants and a pair of shorts but I think it’s time to admit defeat.

It’s time to break out the maternity jeans.

Yes, they are comfy. Yes, they have that soft band of fabric around the middle which effectively eliminates the dreaded “muffin top”. What they are not is flattering. Unfortunately I’m at that stage where I’m not quite big enough for real maternity clothes but I’m going to cut off circulation to Possum’s important parts if I keep trying to shove my belly into my old jeans. I imagine it’s similar to losing a bunch of weight and not fitting into anything you own (except with way more constipation and crankiness). I know I need to bite the bullet and just buy a bigger normal size but the Superthrift in me refuses to spend money on something I know I’ll outgrow in three weeks. Speaking of, this kid is taking up a lot of valuable real estate. He - I’m using “he” so I don’t have to do that aggravating “(s)he” thing every time, not because I know something- is only 4 ½ centimeters big, yet by the looks of things, I’m carrying a small elephant. That’s one of the things that nobody tells you when you get pregnant: it’s not all baby. I don’t know what the hell it is, but I will tell you this –

It has taken control of my bowels.

That’s another thing nobody tells you: You stop pooping. I mean, MY GOD. They say it’s because your body is trying to suck out all the nutrients but holy jeezum, I'm going to birth a linebacker this keeps up. I’m officially on the octogenarian diet – 4 liters of water a day, shredded wheat, prunes, hot water with lemon, tea (supplemented with several unmentionables that will go… unmentioned) and... nothin'. Nobody told me about this! Nobody!

They also didn’t tell me that I’d develop this weird saliva thing. Oh yeah, not only am I no longer pooping but I’m constantly battling this film in my mouth. I’m sure it’s due to all the excess spit I seem to be producing. (Oh that? Yeah, nobody mentioned that either.) And don’t get me started on the unusual wrinkles. I used to have a large crease across my stomach from my pot belly that was the bane of my existence. Well now that’s gone, only to be replaced by a whole new crease across the top of my belly, right under my boobs. This is clearly caused by the new, very high belly I now possess that feels nothing like an actual, human belly and everything like a prosthetic. (Every time I bend I feel this ridge-like thing under my tits that feels exactly like a fake pregnancy belly. You’d think somebody could’ve told me…)

Here’s something that somebody did tell me, but I can’t quite believe it. Apparently my appetite will increase throughout the second trimester.

Okay, that is simply NOT POSSIBLE. As someone who has seen with her own eyes the damage she can inflict on a pot of potatoes, an increase in appetite is simply unacceptable.

This kid is going to be huuuuuuge.


Missy said...

Well your symptoms are not something that I experienced, so forgive me for not passing info along. Has anyone mentioned the incredible itching belly? I had that seriously with #2. Probably was worse with her because that was a winter pregnancy, and as you know there is no moisture in Kansas after October. It can be an itchy booby thing too. Heartburn. That is another thing to watch out for. I never had it before and it was raging the last couple of months with #1. About the third trimester I wanted nothing to do with anything elastic that came over the top of my belly for both pregnancies. Also it is my opinion that maternity underwear is an uncomfortable waste of money. Buy low rise bikini and let it ride below your belly, you will be much happier, at least that was my experience. That is all I can remember now. I will do my best as one who has experienced pregnancy to keep you better informed of weird stuff that happens.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

I recommend, for your consideration, the stop-gap clothing pants! Stretchy, potentially wearable after the pregnancy and will get you over the "too big for normal clothes, yet too small for pregnancy kangaroo pouches" hump.

I second the low rise bikini underwear. Granny pants are a ridiculous concept. Soon enough will you have pants that you will be pulling up under your bra-line, your underwear need not go there as well.

I haven't had bad heartburn, but I had some recently and it felt as if my throat was on fire. Not my esophagus, or deep chest area, but my actual throat. That was no fun.

Get lots of lotion for your burgeoning and potentially itchy lotion. I'm using the Jason Vitamin E stuff (that I think YOU recommended at one point) and that has helped a lot. Ignore anyone that tells you that there are gels that will stop stretchmarks. There are none. All you can do is keep the itching to a minimum and help them heal. Eventually they'll turn silver or whatever your skin color determines as "faded".

The eating will eventually calm down, simply because you won't have as much room for your stomach to expand, so no long term worries there. Just make sure you're getting enough protein, in case you're a big carb lover - your burning hunger may be your body's way of yelling for more protein to create the critter inside you.

Twenty-six weeks left to go! Yay you!

Woman with a Hatchet said...


Your potentially itchy belly.


Missy said...

How bout some pictures of that belly?????

Valerie said...

Ok i have to put in a vote for the huge ass granny underwear. It's for those of us who could stand absolutely ANYTHING touching below the belly which would put even the barest hint of additional pressure on the bladder. Maybe my bladder is a princess and the bikini underwear was her pea. She still felt it.

So I was even more dorky looking during my pregnancy than those that could abide the better belly couture.

I couldn't stand bikini underwear, it made me feel like I had to pee EVEN MORE often then I already did. If that was possible. and I guess it was.

Valerie said...

Oh yeah and some of your symptoms are news to me too. Or I woulda said.

And later on, or even now, I highly recommend swimming, or at least getting in water deep enough to buoy yer belly up (maybe not so much the moving for exercise part). You'll feel almost normal for those moments. Ahhhhhhh.....